What you are going through is just too hard. You need help. You need a village, tribe, a network of support. Some people have this and take it for granted. Most people today don’t have enough support. We all need our networks. But modern society works against this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have less support than most people and your challenges are greater than most peoples’. I don’t know how you do it. You should feel very good about your triumphs. Many people (like your ex) simply try to evade their responsibilities. You are always aware of them. You are a hero for getting this far without giving up.